NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced the suspension of 327 players today, in honor of his 10th year as the leader of the league.
“It definitely feels great to have the continued support of the owners, everyone in the league office, and especially the fans,” said Goodell in a prepared statement honoring his 10 years of service. “But what really made me who I am today is the reckless meting out of justice, done in my own special, half-assed way. What better way to celebrate than to suspend an average of 10 players from each NFL team? Suspensions will range from one game to full-season suspensions, and will begin in week one!”
When asked about the nature of the suspensions, Goodell was eager to talk about some of the newly created rules.
“I unilaterally decided that uniform code suspensions should be moved up from a fine to a one-game suspension, so that really made me happy I was able to get 167 players out for just that. Next up of course is ball deflation, not only in games but in practice as well. So I got Russell Wilson, Joe Flacco and Cam Netwton on that! Four games each…so that’s super exciting.”
Of course you’ve got your run of the mill weed violations, 26 players there. And PED suspensions were really strong this year, looks like 46 players I popped as I decided whey protein should be a banned substance. All in all I’m really happy on how things turned out. Its a real testament and honor to my 10 year tenure as head of the NFL.”
Pressed further for details on other issues plauging the league in recent years like domestic violence, Goodell reiterated his stance. “Look, we aren’t going to penalize guys who have a problem with their lady. These things just kinda take care of themselves if you look at Ray Rice and Greg Hardy. Wait a while and it just goes away.”
Owners lauded Goodell’s tenure by extending his contract five years and bumping his annual salary 25 percent, up to $40 million per year.